The Power of Curiosity: Supporting Kids' Emotional Safety for Back-to-School
Image from: https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html
Going back to school can bring up a lot of feelings for everyone! From excitement to apprehension, September is busy and full of new beginnings. Big feelings don't always bring out the best in us whether we're a student, a parent, or a teacher. So how can we approach this transition in a way that supports emotional safety?
Starting From a Foundation of Emotional Safety
Abraham Maslow explains that healthy human development takes place on a foundation of safety and belonging, and it is upon that foundation that learning and achievement happen. Over the past 20 years schools have inverted that pyramid, leaving a very unstable foundation for students. Schools have shifted to a focus on achievement first, increasing the amount of time and attention on preparing for tests. What we have seen in the classroom with this shift is time taken away from recess, lunch, relationship-building, and having fun together, and put toward more time sitting at desks in what is referred to as "time on task." We are now seeing the results, and they are not good. In May 2026 the Center for Education Policy Research reported that almost everywhere in the US, students are performing worse than their peers were 10 years ago. In addition we have seen increased levels of mental health and behavioral challenges in our schools. According to the CDC the percentage of high school students feeling sad and hopeless increased significantly over the last 10 years. What if we righted Maslow's pyramid, emphasizing safety and belonging first — at school and at home? What do we have to lose?
In order for kids to thrive, they need to feel safe. We hear that a lot, but what does it really mean to feel safe? Of course children need to feel physically safe, to know that their bodies won't be harmed. And most adults are pretty clear that children need to feel emotionally safe, but sometimes our understanding of emotional safety is surface at best. To feel emotionally safe, children need to feel like they can express their feelings without fear of judgment or punishment. This is not always the case whether in the classroom or at home. Children are often silenced or punished in the face of big feelings when what they need is empathy and understanding. A child's sense of safety is increased when adults recognize and name big emotions and help them develop strategies for both understanding and regulating them.
To support physical and emotional safety, we need to address neurological safety. Neurological safety refers to the conditions in an environment that create a calming effect. The physical space, culture, and experiences within that space directly impact the nervous system. Sensory over-stimulation, cognitive overwhelm, emotional pressure, and pain can all overwhelm the nervous system. When the nervous system perceives a threat, it responds in one of three ways: it prepares to fight, flee, or freeze. These responses can look like tantrums or fighting in the fight response. Examples of the flee response in school may include leaving the classroom for frequent bathroom visits, wandering the halls, or absenteeism. At home parents may see resistance to leaving the house or refusing to go to school. Students who disengage, withdraw, hide, or give up are examples of the freeze response.
Get Curious, Not Furious: Behavior Is Communication
A lack of physical, emotional or neurological safety often shows up as anxiety. Anxiety disorders are at an all time high among American children. According to the CDC, anxiety disorders affect about 15% to 20% of children and adolescents in the U.S. Anxiety can be expressed in a variety of ways, whether it be irritability, anger, acting out, or withdrawing. If you see out-of-character behaviors in your child or student, remember that behavior is communication. Ask questions to learn more about what might be going on. Furthermore, naming emotions can help tame them. You can decide to notice a behavior and try to name the emotion. This can help a child feel seen and become more aware of their own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Notice, name, and ask questions to support a child:
I see that you are feeling angry right now. Did I get that right?
Then, if appropriate, ask a question: Can I give you a hug? What do you need? How can I support you?
Regulate Yourself First
Whether you're a parent or an educator, it's important to pay attention to your own nervous system. Children are very good at picking up on the emotional cues of the adults around them. One of the best things we can do for children is to regulate our own emotions first. As they say on an airplane, you should put on your own mask before helping others, and the same is true when addressing a child's strong emotions. Check in with yourself and find your calm first; you will find that supporting a child from a place of calm, rather than a state of activation, will in turn calm them.
In schools we have been asking too much of our educators. In crowded classrooms with more and more high-need and anxious students, teachers' nervous systems are consistently being bombarded with sensory over-stimulation, cognitive overwhelm, and emotional pressure, leaving them in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. When the person who is responsible for creating a safe space for children doesn't feel safe, classrooms don't work at their best. If we want schools that are physically, emotionally, and neurologically safe for children, it is critical that they are safe for adults. School leaders must provide personnel support, calm space, time for educators to attend to their physical needs, time and space to regulate their nervous systems when needed, and time to connect and create a sense of belonging with their colleagues. It is unfair to tell teachers to take care of themselves if there's no support system in place for them to do so.
Questions to ask ourselves when a child is dysregulated:
What might be going on for this child?
Am I also becoming dysregulated? If so, what might be causing that?
Can I take a moment to breathe deeply, or should I breathe deeply as I support the child?
How can I de-escalate my body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice?
Do I need to step away and ask someone else to step in?
Applying Emotional Safety to the Back-to-School Transition
As back-to-school scaries come up, remind children that back-to-school nerves are completely normal. Acknowledging a child's feelings is important in helping them feel seen and heard. One way to help them prepare is by asking questions that let them visualize what's ahead. This can be done both at home and at school.
Questions to help prepare a child for back-to-school:
What are you looking forward to in this upcoming school year?
Which friends/teachers are you excited to see?
What do you think will be different about this school year? What do you think will be the same?
Building a Safe Way to Connect
Providing time for a daily check-in, whether that's a simple question at the dinner table or a structured routine at school, gives children opportunities to discuss the challenges that are most prevalent for them, such as friendships or stress. Worrying about these challenges can be a distraction and get in the way of learning or being at their best. Giving children a safe way to connect about the challenges they face helps them feel seen, heard, and less alone, leading to a greater sense of belonging. Be sure to answer these questions yourself, too, so it's clear that you're doing this with them!
Questions to check in with children:
What's one thing that made you laugh today? One thing that you didn't like hearing?
What was your rose (a positive thing), thorn (a negative thing), and bud (something you're looking forward to) for today?
What class/activity sums up your mood right now?
If you could keep one thing the same tomorrow as it was today, what would it be?
If you could change one thing tomorrow from what it was today, what would it be?
Play a game: which of your friends/work partners acted like which character from one of your favorite books or shows these days? (i.e. "My project partner was just like Rowley in Diary of a Wimpy Kid because he listened to my ideas and found a way to make them work!")
In schools, one way to build this in is through implementing Community Building and Restorative Circles into classroom practice. Circles give students an opportunity to share their feelings and to listen to others in a non-judgmental way. They also provide a process to discuss feelings when there is conflict. Training staff in the importance of understanding Adverse Childhood Events (ACEs) and trauma, recognizing when behavior may be a response to past trauma, and providing the appropriate support, is an important part of supporting a culture of safety at school.
At home, the same spirit applies: consistent, low-pressure check-ins give kids the same chance to be seen and heard, and build the same sense of safety and belonging that circles aim to create in the classroom.
Whether at home or at school, when we lead with curiosity instead of judgment, we give children the safety and belonging they need to actually thrive — and September becomes a little less about managing big feelings, and a little more about growing through them, together.