The Time Trap: Why Building Relationships Is Essential for Helping Boys Thrive in School

May 12

In nearly every training session we offer on Restorative Practices, a question inevitably surfaces: “When would I do this?”

It's an understandable concern. Educators are overwhelmed, and time feels like a scarce resource. But this question also reveals a deeper truth: the way we use time in schools reinforces a system that isn’t working—especially for boys.

How the Structure of Time Favors the Status Quo

Our school schedules—rigid, fast-paced, test-driven—aren’t neutral. They often reinforce old norms and leave little room for the kind of relationship-centered work that best supports students. This is a disservice to all students, but it disproportionately harms boys—especially Black boys—who are being left behind across multiple educational measures.

A Crisis for Boys in Schools: The Data

Consider these troubling facts:

Boys are 3x more likely to be expelled than girls.
By 8th grade, girls are almost a full grade level ahead in reading.
Boys have lower graduation rates than girls.
23% of boys in K–12 have been diagnosed at some point with a developmental disability.

There’s growing concern—and rightly so—about how boys are faring in our education system. Richard Reeves, President of the American Institute for Boys and Men, asks a critical question: If nearly one in four boys are being diagnosed as having a disability, maybe it’s the system—not the boys—that needs rethinking.

What Are We Really Measuring?

We have created a system in which teachers are held accountable for the wrong outcomes. Through the push for standardized testing we have come to prioritize what we teach over who we teach. Sure, content knowledge is easy to quantify, but it’s actually a secondary outcome (for those of you in many of our trainings, this may sound familiar). The world is full of things to learn and thus, our content could be anything! Imagine teaching kids how to find answers to the questions they have about the world.

That type of learning requires problem-solving skills, critical thinking skills, and relational skills, which may be harder to quantify, but are much more important: they are primary outcomes. If we shifted our priorities toward these primary outcomes, we’d be serving our students more fully, boys in particular. Interestingly, these higher-level outcomes are exactly the areas where boys often shine—when given the chance.

Boys Learn Through Relationships

Dr. Michael Reichert has spent 30+ years researching how boys learn, and one finding is consistent: Boys are relational learners.

They learn best when they feel connected—to their teachers, to their peers, and to the content itself. Reichert’s research shows that:

The best teachers of boys were intentional about building strong relationships.
They designed lessons around students’ interests.
They used feedback from boys to shape classroom experiences.
Most importantly, boys cared deeply about their relationship with the teacher.

Relational learners benefit from instruction that offers opportunities for collaborating with peers, active participation, and hands-on activities all of which lead to a greater sense of belonging in the classroom. It follows that when boys feel more connected to their teachers and peers, they are more likely to actively engage in the learning process and be more motivated to achieve.

Importantly, relational instruction doesn’t just support boys—it benefits all students and is just good teaching. It leads to deeper understanding by creating space for students to discuss ideas, challenge assumptions, and learn from one another. These approaches also nurture key social and emotional skills like communication, collaboration, and empathy. And these aren’t extras—they’re essential. Academic and social-emotional learning are not separate pursuits; both are strengthened when we adopt teaching practices that center on relationships.

Instructional practices that promote relational learning include:

Content-based Circles
Collaborative projects
Peer editing
Small group discussions
Book groups
Partner work
Self-reflection
Community service projects
Group presentations

The Teacher as Relationship Manager

In his research Reichert learned that when relationships with their teachers were strong, boys stayed engaged. But when they fractured, boys often disengaged—sometimes permanently. Boys rarely took steps to repair a relationship when a breakdown occurred with a teacher. When asked why, they described a sense of powerlessness—a belief that it wasn’t their place to initiate repair with an adult.

This dynamic has serious implications: when the relationship falters, learning falters.

Restorative Practices come in here—not as an add-on, but as a framework for re-centering what matters most: relationships.

One of the most important roles a teacher plays is that of Relationship Manager—creating, maintaining, and repairing relationships in the classroom. And when a breakdown occurs, it is the adult’s responsibility to lead the repair process.

The research is clear: Strong student-teacher relationships are one of the most powerful drivers of academic success, especially for boys.

Reframing the Question: “When Would I Do This?”

So when educators ask, “When would I do this?” our answer is simple:

Every day.

Restorative Practices aren’t one more thing to do—they are the way we do everything. They are the foundation that supports deeper learning, emotional safety, and meaningful connection. If we want to see better outcomes—especially for our boys—we need to invest our time in the things that matter most.

Let’s stop seeing time as a barrier to building relationships, and instead use our precious six hours a day to build the kind of relational classrooms where all students can thrive.

Ready to Go Deeper?

Explore more about supporting boys in your classrooms with some of the resources we consulted for this blog: